Woman on couch staring off into space.

Couldn’t help myself

Sometimes the snark just pours out of me. Kind of like that time I was on my bike and took a turn too fast, causing my pedal to hit the pavement, which then jolted me so hard that a snot rocket flew out of my nose. Yeah, so, back to the snark. Here are two comment threads I would have had to chop my hands off to resist responding to.

First, there was this one on a neighborhood web forum:

Backyard firepits (Shared in the “Crime & Safety” section)

By Cherry Pitts *

Just wondering if everyone is aware that burning in firepits is not permitted when the air quality is considered less than “good” by the DNR. Today the air quality was listed as “moderate”. For those of us who have loved ones with asthma, we’d really appreciate it if the rules governing firepits could be followed. On days with air quality below “good” the smoke from the firepit comes in our windows and hangs in the air in our home. I’m all about a nice backyard fire as long as the air quality is where it should be for the health of our lungs. Thanks for your attention to this matter.

But that answer, as far as I was concerned, still didn’t get at how fundamentally dumb the original post was. I mean I understand if this lady has an issue with one person’t firepit blowing in her open window, but to suggest that the entire neighborhood should stop burning wood because it causes pollution? That’s like complaining about someone’s sprinkler getting you wet in a rainstorm.

My contribution to the thread:

I don’t mean to sound snarky, but if we’re really going to make a collective effort to improve air quality, we should be using renewable energy, not be driving gas powered vehicles, and quit mowing our lawns (mowers are huge polluters!).

I know, I know, it doesn’t sound that bad, but people get offended by that kind of thing. It’s like if you don’t pat them on the head and tell them their thought was unique and special, they’ll either start cursing or start crying. Or hate you forever. D@mn, I just realized I have my picture up on my NextDoor account.

Moving on to the next bit of snark. I saw this meme on Facebook earlier today. It’s a meme I’ve seen before and every time I see it I want to vomit all over it, which, if you’ve never worked for a “mom-and-pop shop” that behaved just like a heartless multi-national, you won’t understand:

A sign board promoting shopping locally.

Let the comments begin:

Bobby Busybody: Yeah, people don’t know the damage of what they’re doing when they buy online.

Me: I totally agree with this, but there are exceptions. I know because I worked at one for a long time.
Me: Plus “local businesses” could be buying merchandise from sweatshops, underpaying their employees, and not providing benefits just like big corps. Just sayin’.
Bobby Busybody: I guess if you’re buying fast fashion you still have to choose who you buy it from. Would you rather see banks and Duane Reads lining the streets or cool interesting shops that once added to the awesomeness of NYC.
 Me: How about cool, interesting shops that don’t buy things from sweatshops and pay/treat their employees well?

I mean I get it: We like to shop. And anything that gets in the way of that–human rights violations, etc.–makes us spew out excuses faster than Medusa’s locks spit venom. And how many businesses–large or small–in a global economy are truly local? Unless there’s an artisan out back making the stuff, it doesn’t fit my definition.

There you have it: my snarky remarks of the day. I’ll do my best to keep ’em in for the next four hours, but I can’t make any promises.

*Names have been changed

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