On Mother’s Day we remember the woman who had the good fortune to get an egg fertilized by our father’s sperm and carry the baby to term. And, for 24 out of 8,760 hours in the year, we show our gratitude to this woman. Of course not everyone had a June Cleaver-type mom. Some of us had a Mommy Dearest mom. The latter is the type of mom I’d like to celebrate here:
Remember Allison’s cherubic baby? The one whose father turned out to be Sick Boy? Right, that adorable little guy who ends up dying while the main characters go on a heroin bender. Later on Renton (Ewan McGregor) hallucinates that the wee lad is crawling across the ceiling toward him as he writhes in bed, withdrawing.
2.) Fatal Attraction. The fact that this movie is on the list might surprise you. It shouldn’t. Alex (Glen Close) supposedly became pregnant with Dan’s (Michael Douglas’s) baby and used it to blackmail him. The next thing we knew she was murdering a rabbit then boiling it on a stove top.
3.) We Need to Talk about Kevin.
Eva (Tilda Swinton) just didn’t seem made for raising children. From the moment Kevin is born, Eva doesn’t bond with him–she even seems to resent him and at one point “accidentally” breaks his arm. The audience is left to figure out if Kevin was born evil or if his mother raised him wrong. Way wrong.
4.) Nymphomaniac. Joe (Charlotte Gainsbourg) is so addicted to sex that she leaves her and Jerome’s (Shia LaBeouf’s) baby at home unattended on Christmas while she goes out to be tortured by a local sadist.
5.) Hideous Kinky.
Julia (Kate Winslet) isn’t the worst mother, but she isn’t a great one either. She drags her daughters with her as she gallivants around Morocco. There she explores Sufism, tries to make ends meet by selling crafts in a marketplace, and hooks up with a street performer. During Julia’s escapades, she loses track of her eldest daughter for several weeks on a commune, and the younger one ends up with a horrible infection. Until Julia’s Moroccan lover helps them out, they can’t afford the airfare back to England for her daughter’s treatment.
6.) Carrie. Carrie (Sissy Spacek) is almost killed by her extremist nut-job of a mom (Piper Laurie). The only thing that saves Carrie is that she happens to be telekinetic. Had it been you or me, we would have been stabbed to death by Piper Laurie in the creepy closet-turned-altar under the stairs.
7.) The Snapper. Sharon is a party girl who enjoys going out with her friends, getting wasted, and singing karaoke at the local pub. After she becomes pregnant, she continues going out with her friends, getting wasted, and singing karaoke at the local pub. Amazingly, the baby is born without Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
8.) Spanking the Monkey.
Ray returns from college one summer and gets it on with his mom a few times. Enough said.
9.) Cyrus. Cyrus (Jonah Hill) and Molly (Marisa Tomei) do everything together except get it on. Molly doesn’t seem to mind that at 21 Cyrus hasn’t flown the nest and continues babying him, seemingly oblivious that 20 years have passed since he was a helpless little tot.
Where to begin? Precious’s mom Mary abuses her, both psychologically and physically, her entire life, even looking on as Precious’s father rapes her. Precious ends up bearing two children out of incest. Mary insists the rapes are her daughter’s fault because she enticed her father.
Well, there you have it. No matter how bad of a mom you’ve been, there’s no way you’re worse of a mom than the mothers above. Give yourself a pat on the back.