Continued from previous post
We were in Peter’s car, which was idling in my mom’s driveway. We’d just eaten the closest thing Madison had to Dim Sum, then taken a walk to the zoo. I decided I’d had enough of him for one day.
“So, what are you doing later?” Peter asked.
“Just going to the gym, then vegging out.” All of which was true.
He furrowed his brow. “Can I call you later? Maybe we can watch a movie together or just hang out.”
“Yeah, we’ll see.” (Read: no way, Jose.)
Over the course of that night, Peter texted me several times. At first, I ignored him. Then he started calling. I wasn’t in the mood to talk, so I let it ring. This just led to more calls. I finally broke down and texted him.
Peter: Please reply im worried about you.
Me: I might just want a quiet night. I’m also a little sleep deprived.
Peter’s persistence was really off-putting. The next morning I woke up to a few missed calls and this text:
Peter: I would like to hang out tonight, I have a new thing for you and I hope to have some clarity on some things. I hope you had a nice time last night!
Me: Let’s talk on the phone tomorrow. There’s no need to call me repeatedly. (Meaning, “F@ck off.”)
Peter: Sorry to upset you I agree that was a bad idea. Hope your day goes well. Do you want to call me when you are ready to talk?
Me: Yes, probably around 9:30/10. (Meaning, “I don’t really want to talk. I guess I’ll just bide my time until I think of an excuse.”)
That day he sent me this email:
I wanted to try to write you in a longer format. Something that would allow me to, well attempt, to express my feelings more accurately. I feel like we are on the cusp of making something special or letting this thing we have fade into the sands of time. Yes there are a few things where we do not exactly match up but there are many ways we do match up. I see a lot of potential in this thing. This morning things seemed so clear to me and now that I have gotten into my day, at work, the momentary clarity and eloquence which took hold of me has passed. Here are some of the basics
We both share some underlying anxious feelings, just a part of life whether its some dysfunction or not it just is. I have found the chanting that is done by that “cult” group works wonders on that crap. I had forgotten that a bit and did some chanting last night and this morning and I am feeling much better. If you like I would love to share that with you.
I know this is a bit of defining myself by my relationship but I really like who you are, and I feel like I would really love to have you in my life, at this point maybe a life partner does not fit for us, I do hope that whatever happens we can remain in some way “connected”.
Speaking of connected, that is my one big issue, you have said you are not good at sharing feelings, and you have remained true to that. If things were to proceed and we were to become more serious we would need to find some way for you to be able to express those feelings, I think you were trying yesterday and I thank you for that. I feel like of the love languages the “Words of Affirmation” part is something I long to hear from you. Anyway, I do realize some or most of these issues are a little premature in our unfolding story but this is me overthinking things and wanting to recap something LOL.
I am wondering if you writing your feelings out would be easier for you since you are a writer?
No matter what happens, short of you somehow freaking out on me, I have something for you and would like to give that do you tonight.
As if that wasn’t enough there was soon another email with the subject line “more thoughts”:
I know I have said to you, “maybe you are not over your ex”. This comes up when I am thinking about where I am and where I feel like I would like to be with a relationship. I do not feel like I am in a space or at least (I have not demonstrated it with you) where I would be ready for a serious relationship. I feel like I would love to be in some sort of relationship, it seems unrealistic with a few of the things coming up for me even in the short time we have been dating. And unless you are willing to put up with these dysfunctions until I work through them we might be doomed in the short run anyway. I hope our talk goes well tonight and I really hope we can work “something” out. I like you “a lot” and that is part of the problem. I am not acting logically, I know it but ya. Anyway I hope you can find or focus on some good reasons why you might want to date me and we can continue this trip together. If we are doomed I do hope we can at least try to be friends, tho it might take me some time to not be attracted to you so much. Anyway I hope you can understand.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I had that sickening feeling that Peter had all of his tentacles on me–and they were mighty sticky. That night I called him and told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. This led to many a phone call and some angry Facebook, voicemail, text, and Match.com messages, most of which I didn’t respond to.
hey can I add you over on yelp. I promise not to make things weird I’m moving on. hope you are doing well.
The emotional reversal that you pulled on me was not fair. I am sorry if i lied about some things. You never intended to talk to me again? You should at least tell me your reasons so that I can make my peace. Leaving things like this just makes me feel like you are either just mean or emotionally retarded. I do not think that is the case tho, can we talk?
Sorry for my choice of words, you must understand how you left me. you think that is right?
Between these messages and Peter’s voicemails telling me he was drunk and waiting in his car down the road from my house, I was pretty freaked out. How do you behave as though everything’s normal when someone you dated for three weeks keeps trying to fan a few hopelessly damp sparks into a fire?
To be continued