88 headlines NOT from The Onion

Originally posted on Thought Catalog.

Are these really not Onion articles, you ask? Sadly, no. They’re real. And funny as hell. I had trouble picking a favorite, but after a lot of hemming and hawing, I think it has to be #21: “Florida Shopper Videotaped Putting Chainsaw in Pants.” Or maybe it’s #85: “Some Children’s Cereals Packed with Sugar, Study Finds.” #88 is pretty funny, too. Damnit’s hard to choose.

Better luck picking out your favorite. The accompanying articles are a hoot, too.

Boy opening up a newspaper
Photo courtesy of Thought Catalog
  1. KKK LEADER VOWS TO MAKE GROUP MORE RACIALLY DIVERSE

  2. ENDANGERED BABY DOLPHIN DIES AFTER SWIMMERS PASS IT AROUND FOR SELFIES

  3. MAN BOMBS WALMART FOR NOT SELLING CONFEDERATE FLAG

  4. WOMAN’S DEAD BODY MISTAKEN FOR HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS

  5. THE WOMAN WHO WORE A FAKE DICK TO CATFISH HER FRIEND INTO SEX HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY

  6. THERE IS LITERALLY A U.S. GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY AGAINST VEGAN MAYO

  7. FISH LEAPS FROM RIVER, KNOCKS FLA. TEEN UNCONSCIOUS

  8. CAN A CANOPY BED EVER BE MASCULINE?

  9. NEBRASKA WOMAN FILES SUIT IN FEDERAL COURT AGAINST ALL HOMOSEXUALS

  10. WHY IS SPRING BEING SO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE?

  11. MOST MILLENNIALS CAN’T DO A SINGLE NICE THING FOR SOMEONE ELSE

  12. MISS ISRAEL AND MISS LEBANON APPEAR IN A SELFIE, SPARKING A NEW MIDEAST CONFLICT

  13. PRESIDENT OBAMA AGING ONLY AS FAST AS THE REST OF US, RESEARCHER FINDS

  14. WOMAN RECEIVES $31 CREDIT FROM UBER AFTER BEING SEXUALLY HARASSED BY DRIVER

  15. HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL PROFESSOR GOES TO WAR OVER $4 WORTH OF CHINESE FOOD

  16. 100 BRAINS GO MISSING FROM UNIVERSITY

  17. XBOX ONE OWNERS CAN ORDER PIZZA BY YELLING FEED ME AT TV

  18. FANTASY DATE WITH TWINS TURNS SOUR FOR MANHATTAN MAN, 84

  19. SAUSAGE-MAKER WANTS TO SET RECORD STRAIGHT ON HOW SAUSAGE IS MADE

  20. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MAKE A PODCAST ABOUT PODCASTS ABOUT A PODCAST

  21. FLORIDA SHOPPER VIDEOTAPED PUTTING CHAINSAW IN PANTS

  22. GAP HAS A PROBLEM: ITS “DRESS NORMAL” CAMPAIGN IS WAY TOO NORMAL

  23. EBOLA: HORRIBLE FOR PEOPLE, GREAT FOR BUSINESS

  24. ULTIMATE COFFEE FAN SPENDS 17 YEARS VISITING EVERY STARBUCKS IN THE WORLD

  25. THE WORST THING ABOUT SEAWORLD IS HOW FUCKING BORING IT IS

  26. IT’S TIME TO AIR THE REST OF HELLO KITTY’S SORDID PAST

  27. MAN SHOOTS HIMSELF IN THE HEAD AFTER TRYING TO TAKE A SELFIE WITH A GUN

  28. THE INTERNET SHOULD HAVE KILLED WEIRD AL. IT ONLY MADE HIM STRONGER

  29. AUDIENCE EJECTS CROWD-SURFER FROM CLASSICAL CONCERT

  30. PEOPLE INVESTED $1 MILLION IN AN APP THAT JUST SAYS ‘YO’

  31. IRAQ IS THE ULTIMATE STARTUP EVERYONE KNEW WAS DOOMED

  32. NOBODY CARES HOW AWESOME YOU ARE AT YOUR JOB

  33. SCIENTISTS CREATE WORLD’S TINIEST 3-D GLASSES TO SHOW BUGS 3-D MOVIES

  34. PORN ACTORS CALL FOR BOYCOTT OF SAMUEL L. JACKSON MOVIES AFTER HE RECOMMENDS FREE PORN

  35. CHINESE OFFICIALS DEBATE WHY CHINA CAN’T MAKE A SOAP OPERA AS GOOD AS SOUTH KOREA’S

  36. SENATOR AVOIDS GETTING HIT BY ONCOMING TRAIN DURING PRESS CONFERENCE ON TRAIN SAFETY

  37. NEW YORK TIMES ISSUES CORRECTION ON ARTICLE ABOUT CORRECTIONS

  38. STRAY CHIHUAHUAS TERRORIZE ARIZONA TOWN

  39. RACCOON WATCHES YANKEES’ SPRING TRAINING WORKOUTS

  40. RIVAL GROUNDHOGS DIFFER ON WINTER FORECASTS

  41. RUSSIAN ‘KILLS FRIEND IN ARGUMENT OVER WHETHER POETRY OR PROSE IS BETTER’

  42. SNAPCAT, A PHOTO-SHARING APP FOR CATS, IS FUN BUT PROBABLY NOT WORTH $3 BILLION

  43. MAKER OF ANIMATED GIFS WAITS FOR OFFBEAT MOMENTS

  44. FEED-THE-BEAR EXPERIMENT DRAWS PUBLIC-SAFETY WORRY

  45. GOP PLAN TO APPEAL TO MILLENNIALS: “MAKE ABORTION FUNNY”

  46. COP GETS STUCK IN TREE TRYING TO RESCUE CAT STUCK IN TREE

  47. RICH MANHATTAN MOMS HIRE HANDICAPPED TOUR GUIDES SO KIDS CAN CUT LINES AT DISNEY WORLD

  48. NASA MARS ROVER ACCIDENTALLY DRAWS PENIS ON RED PLANET

  49. BUSH: ‘SOME PEOPLE ARE SURPRISED I CAN EVEN READ’

  50. LAST TWO SPEAKERS OF DYING LANGUAGE REFUSE TO TALK TO EACH OTHER

  51. SOMALIA GETS A TOURIST, MOGADISHU OFFICIALS ARE BAFFLED

  52. JUSTIN BIEBER’S PET MONKEY QUARANTINED IN GERMANY

  53. STRICKEN JUSTIN BIEBER SUFFERS ANOTHER BLOW — HIS HAMSTER IS DEAD

  54. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY STUDENTS CONSUME 100 POUNDS OF NUTELLA A DAY: REPORT

  55. FINDING THE JUST-RIGHT LEVEL OF SELF-ESTEEM FOR A CHILD

  56. WAREHOUSE WORKER PACKING STRESS BALLS PUNCHED HIS BOSS IN FACE

  57. MICHELLE OBAMA ALSO CAN’T PRONOUNCE QUVENZHANE WALLIS’ NAME

  58. VLADIMIR PUTIN HIRES BOYZ II MEN TO BOOST THE RUSSIAN BIRTH RATE

  59. THAT CUDDLY KITTY IS DEADLIER THAN YOU THINK

  60. SNOOP TO EDUCATE KIDS ABOUT SMOKING POT

  61. RUSSIA EMERGES FROM TWO-WEEK NEW YEAR DRINKING BINGE

  62. MONOPOLY IS SENDING A GAME PIECE TO JAIL, PERMANENTLY

  63. STYLISH BUT ILLEGAL MONKEY FOUND ROAMING TORONTO

  64. NO ONE REPORTED SHOT, STABBED OR SLASHED IN NYC ON MONDAY

  65. MAN SUES WIFE FOR BEING UGLY … AND WINS

  66. ELK BANISHED FROM 100 MILE RANCH B.C. AFTER FALLING IN LOVE WITH COW

  67. PAIR BANNED FROM ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT RESTAURANT FOR EATING TOO MUCH

  68. TYLENOL BOTTLES: HARD TO OPEN FOR 30 YEARS

  69. GOOD SMELL PERPLEXES NEW YORKERS

  70. MISSING WOMAN UNWITTINGLY JOINS SEARCH PARTY LOOKING FOR HERSELF

  71. OWNER TO RENAME HITLER CLOTHING SHOPS AFTER COMPLAINTS

  72. ANGRY NEPALI MAN BITES COBRA TO DEATH IN REVENGE ATTACK

  73. SUN IS TOO ROUND, SAY SCIENTISTS

  74. MORE OF AMERICA IS A DISASTER THAN NOT

  75. AREA MAN JOINS ORGANIZATION WHERE NOTHING MUCH EVER HAPPENS

  76. ARE SKINNY JEANS DESTROYING HIPSTER SPERM COUNTS?

  77. CAT HAS BEEN MAYOR OF ALASKA TOWN FOR 15 YEARS

  78. ADULT MEN WHO LIKE ‘MY LITTLE PONY’ GATHER, SAY THEY ARE NOT CREEPY

  79. FAN GETS KICKED OUT OF KENNY CHESNEY CONCERT FOR LOOKING TOO MUCH LIKE KENNY CHESNEY

  80. ARIZONA FIGHTS HIGHWAY DUST STORMS WITH HAIKU

  81. FOR WOULD-BE COUGARS, THE PROM IS A GOOD START

  82. 70-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN SAYS SHE’S FINALLY READY FOR LOVE

  83. NEW SCHOOL CAN’T BE COUGARS BECAUSE MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN MIGHT BE OFFENDED

  84. ‘HUGGER MUGGERS’: POLICE WARN OF ‘FRIENDLY’ CRIMINALS

  85. SOME CHILDREN’S CEREALS PACKED WITH SUGAR, STUDY FINDS

  86. ZOO TO SPLIT UP GAY PENGUINS

  87. 8-FOOT-TALL LEGO MAN WASHES UP ON FLORIDA BEACH, HELD IN CUSTODY

  88. FAMILY LOST IN MASSACHUSETTS CORN MAZE CALLS 911 FOR HELP

 

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